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The current year signifies a full decade since the term “ghosting” entered the mainstream. Back then, the notion that someone could abruptly cease all contact with a partner without a word seemed like the height of indignity. We were so innocent. In the ten-year span since, seeking a mate has only become more perplexing – an commonly pointless endeavor in awkwardness that is increasingly defined by online jargon.

Zoomers, a cohort who matured during a loneliness crisis, a masculinity crisis, and a coordinated attack on the freedoms of females and the queer community, faces a significantly more chaotic environment than their Gen Y elders could ever fathom. And so their dating vocabulary has grown more extensive and more bizarre, with expressions like “Ogre-ing” and “vine swinging” pushing the boundaries of your mental fortitude.

Below is a comprehensive guide to the terms Zoomers is using to discuss romance, sex and the pursuit of both. To paraphrase one of the recent most viral online sayings, by the conclusion of this list you’ll long to get back to God’s country – because wherever that is, it is free from “ideological catfishing”.

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The Letter A

Realness – According to Zoomers, romance's ultimate goal is presenting as your true, raw self. You'll need it with that!

B

Bird theory – A TikTok trend loosely based on a framework developed by couples researchers, in which you bring up something minor – for example, “A bird flew by earlier” – and observe whether your date's reply is interested or brushed off. If they show no desire to hear more about the bird, you two are headed for splitsville.

Mysterious girlfriend – Zoomers' rebuttal to the “manic pixie dream girl” stereotype of the early 2000s – but rather than having short fringe, liking indie music and avoiding commitment, the black cat girlfriend prioritizes herself while oozing mystery and independence. (She might still have baby bangs.)

The Letter C

Support test – This signifies going for someone who supports you proactively. If you entered a room, they would pull up a seat for you to sit down.

Errand romance – A date where two people connect while running errands, such as pet care or food shopping. In other words, how financially strained young adults do low-cost dating in a post-“$5 beer and shot combo” world.

Crashing out – Melting down when you feel burdened by life. You can lose it over a infatuation or breakup, venting all of your unreciprocated feelings.

The Letter D

DINK – Two incomes, no children. Once a marker of 80s young urban professional affluence, it describes pairs who forgo having children to focus on their own well-being. Or because they find it financially impossible to become parents.

The Letter E

Vulnerable signaling – The antithesis of playing it cool: practicing communication, transparency and openness.

The Letter F

Signals

• Danger signals – Behavioral habits suggesting a prospective partner is trouble. Examples include calling their former partners unstable, bad gratuity habits, a fondness for controversial director films, a nascent DJ career …
• Positive signs – These actions confirm your choice to date a mate. For instance following up to make sure you got home safe after a date, minimal phone use, owning a bed frame …
• Beige flags – These usually describe specific, largely benign quirks. Such as being an keen birdwatcher, still keeping a biro in their purse, paying the rent in cash …

Niche bonding – When you connect with someone who’s just as passionate about films about the second world war or physical media hoarding or collaging or anything it may be, as you. Or, conversely, finding someone who loathes the same stuff or people that you do (few things creates intimacy faster than sharing a common enemy).

G

The band Geese – A musical group a typical Zoomer guy listens to.

Phantom reappearing – Someone who pops back into your life after a period of disappearing.

Loyal boyfriend – Someone who is affable, accommodating and loyal. The uncommon boyfriend who is liked by all of his significant other's friends, and a mysterious partner's counterpart.

Gooners – A mostly online community of men so preoccupied with self-pleasure that they attempt lengthy sessions, deliberately delaying climax so they can go on as long as possible.

The Letter H

Gloomy heterosexuality – A phenomenon describing many women’s increasing pessimism toward heterosexual relationships. It will come as little surprise to anyone who read the previous entry.

Traditional ideal woman – An stereotype touted by manosphere figures: a woman who is attractive, ever-comforting and happily domestic, who seemingly has no aspirations of her own other than pleasing her male partner. Maybe now you’re beginning to see the whole “heterofatalism” thing better?

I

Ick factors – Arbitrary and usually everyday dealbreakers that instantly extinguish any feelings of attraction.

“He would if he cared" – Something to tell yourself after you watch someone else get an extremely sweet gesture.

The Letter J

Careers – These have not been this crucial in the dating scene since the greed-is-good era. For some women, a “finance bro” is the ultimate partner: a fleece-vest-wearing, conservative-leaning guy who will be a provider (there’s a hit TikTok song on the topic). Meanwhile the anti-capitalist crowd opt for partners in professions they believe are being staffed by the more emotionally available among us: nurses, educators or counselors.

The Letter K

Locking lips – This year, scientists learned that kissing has existed for 16 million years. But the era of kissing may be numbered since some Zoomers prefer fewer intimate scenes in movies, as they are having less sex themselves and do not find cinematic intimacy realistic.

Light catfishing – Mild deception. Or, not exactly being dishonest about who you are, but maybe using outdated (better) pictures of yourself on a dating app profile, or making your career sound more important than it is. Also known as {